Jokes

This page has a collection of some of my favourite jokes collected from folklore. They are roughly in the order of how funny I find them. The funniest ones are at the top.

Three Pints of Guinness

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine – I just quit drinking."

A Pun Walks Into a Bar

A pun walks into a bar, ten people die on the spot. Pun in, ten dead.

Ten Puns

I once submitted ten puns to a contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.

Infinite Mathematicians

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "Give me a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "A quarter of a beer, please." The bartender pours two beers and says, "Come on, people. Know your limits."

Three Logicians

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician says, "I don't know." The second logician says, "I don't know." The third logician says, "Yes."

Two Hard Things

There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

Octal

Why don't jokes work in octal? Because 7 10 11.

Halloween and Christmas

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

4D Printer

How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer? Just give it time.